Sunday, March 8, 2009
I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!!!!!!
Today is a hard day. I just feel like crying all the time. I am so tired of wanting my life back and knowing that will never happen. I don't understand me at all. I want to go on and find someone to share the rest of my life with. God, will I always be alone, so alone. It feels like everyone has gone on to have a life and here I am still alone. I know You are here for me but I am so scared that I will always be alone in this world. I feel like I don't connect with anyone that wants to date me and the one I want has someone else. I really feel like he's the one but maybe not. I just need to feel peace in the waiting for Your perfect will. The fear of being alone is almost too much for me to bear. I don't want to fill that lonliness with just anyone, but the pain is so hard. Jesus, please help me live in today and be grateful for what I do have. Healthy children, a great job, a place to live, and You.
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Mom you are not alone! God has huge plans for your life! You are an amazing women and God has you at this place in your life for a reason! Trust in Him Mom! Remember what you and Dad use to tell me in High School when I would cry at night because I felt so alone when everyone else around me had a boyfriend! You always told me that GOD HAS SOMEONE AMAZING FOR ME! Well MOM He has SOMEONE AMAZING for you too! But it will not be in your timing! God knows the desires of your heart! He has given you dreams and wants to see them come true but you have to trust that He has the perfect timing! He is in control and even through at times we feel like He is not there or He does not know what He is doing He still is in control! Mom you need to learn who you are! Not who you where as Pastor Garys wife or who you are with another man you need to learn who you are as TAMMY MACDONALD! God wants you to allow Him to be your EVERYTHING! He wants you to trust Him with your HEART first and then He will allow another man to have it! You need to fall in love with Jesus all over again Mama! And know that He loves you no matter what! Your past is just that your past. Look at tomorrow as a new day to fall in love with YOUR SAVIOR all over again! Ask Him to teach you and show you who He wants you to be just as Tammy MacDonald, mother of three, an amazing friend, and women! Allow Him to love on you Mom and to heal all your hurts from your past! All the way back from your childhood till now! It is not till you allow God to heal you Mom that you will be fully restored! Trust Him Mama! And know that He loves you right here and right now! He has never left yourside! All you have to do is reach out and grab His hand! I promise He will heal your broken heart and put you back together again! He is the God of the Universe and He loves you, Tammy Arlene MacDonald just the way you are! :) I love you Mom and know that He has an amazing future lined up for you!
ReplyDeleteThere is no way I could ever express my thoughts any better than your daughter just did. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! When you are in that dark place of lonliness - KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I love you, always have - always will.
ReplyDeleteYes, your daughter said it well. I think she speaks from experience - God has been teaching her this too :) I have no doubt that coming back here has been tough. I am proud of you for listening to God and obeying Him. Thank you for your honesty, your realness, your pain. We are here with you and will continue to pray for you. I can not wait to see what God has in store for your future.
ReplyDeleteTAMMY, you haven't been alone for an instant since we have met. You have taken me to beautiful new places in my heart, and have led me to God, or he to me? As you know, I'm not sure? But I do know! You are my Angel!
ReplyDeleteI Love you, Chris
PS, That Jinny of your's is a remarkable young woman!
ReplyDeleteWell it's been 6 months...and that ride of emotions we've shared...shows us what our relationship is made of. REALLY GOOD STUFF! I couldn't love you anymore Tammy!
ReplyDeleteNine months. Tammy, you have continued to make mistakes in your life, but I am NOT one of them. You have graced my life in many ways! I love you...and hope to have a future with you....
ReplyDeleteNão te sintas sózinha moça, tens tua filha á te amar, eu sei que a depressão da solidão é terrivel, mas seja mais forte que ela , se não for por você que seja por aqueles que te amam, força, fé e coragem, não faça sua filha sofrer por você , o coração dela deve estar doendo muito mais que o seu, porque ela esta te vendo sofrer e isto é terrivel para um filho, ver sua mae sofre e se sentir impotente, pense minha flor, pense nela, levante-se tome um banho saia ,vá encontrala , diga que a ama e que vai lutar contra esta depressão!Um abraço forte , vou rezar por ti!Bjs
ReplyDeleteWell, it's been a few years now Tammy... and a time for reflection. I am still at a loss as to why you took something in essence, so beautiful and pure...that should have provided you with strength, grit, and determination...and without guilt or remorse... just tossed it away! Tammy, you live in your own skin, not Jesus or anyone else...and your biggest weakness was using your beliefs as a crutch to dismiss your actions and short comings. There is a wondrous and beautiful aspect also to your identity that is yours alone, but I think you failed to believe that for yourself! I foolishly thought I had the integrity, strength, empowerment by god, and a heart of love to handle any task and challenge you brought into our relationship. As you know, I was there for you, no matter what the cost...until, like a cancer, it started to eat at the essence of my life and my identity. Despite god releasing me from my mission to bring light and love back to your life and soul...I do feel that I let you down somehow?
ReplyDeleteTo this day, I have never felt that close to anyone, as that is the benchmark as to what is possible in a friendship. I was your best friend, even when there were no others that were real and sincere...and I took pride in myself for being so unselfish.
I am not angry, bitter, or hurt Tammy, I want you to succeed in your journey of mountains to climb...we all have those, but when you think of me Tammy...think of the man that tried so hard...to give you your life back!
Chris
Alcohol is not a means to an end Tammy...unless the end is to be permanent. I see you have a recent DUI AGAIN! Life must have so little meaning to you, Or you are incredibly selfish! If you want to remain a victim...so be it!
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